Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
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Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…