When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
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i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I’m too immature for adultery.