My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
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Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
time for some seasonal decor
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.