The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
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Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.