When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house