Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
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If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.