we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
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ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
seems fine