If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
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I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
A small tragedy.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠