Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
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Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
me opening up to someone
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
goldfish mafia
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED