I don’t share cheese on the first date.
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Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Happy Thanksgiving
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups