The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
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“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
This bar smells like my childhood.