Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision