Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
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“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
i spent way too long on this
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Probably my best painting.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.