I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
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[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!