David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
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straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”