The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
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I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Does your wife know you’re single?
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,