*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
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[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her