[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
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I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
what’s the point then??
Rt to bother an English speaker
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”