Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
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Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE