Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
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People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Dolls on drugs
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.