Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
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got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
The “baby” on the left….
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.