Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
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Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit