The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
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st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…