You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer