Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
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Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.