I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
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There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Just a bush.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…