You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
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[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I’m not average. I’m mean.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.