me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
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The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I’d … I’d rather not.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.