From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
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Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Breaking news:
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.