dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
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If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
me: my friends:
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold