people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
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*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.