My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
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I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Spotted in New Orleans.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it