i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
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[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
channeling her this year
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.