Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
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“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.