I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
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[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.