just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
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[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
That earthquake could have been an email.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”