No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
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ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton