Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
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It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.