[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
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I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
No regrets in 2018
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss