It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
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“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom