The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
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[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*