[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
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I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice