Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
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Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.