Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
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Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.