The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?