Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
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If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
new year update: losing everything but weight
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Great acting.. 😂
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.