I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
You Might Also Like
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I would like even faster food.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
My circle of trust is a meatball
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
termite twitter scares me
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.