Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
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Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Bit chilly again tonight.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.