Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
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You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
As the Lord intended
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
😂 amazing answer
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…