It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
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“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
The days of good grammer has went
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
i baked you a cake
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
bout dat hot dog summer
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much